Candy Man
by EdenStar
Summary: The horrors of fanart and why sick medicnins should never be permitted near a computer...


A/N: This fic was inspired by a combo of being sick and finding lots of weird deviations on deviantart. The focus of this fic is one in particular called Orochimaru and the Dance of DOOM by an artist called Nat-Dohma. If you have not seen it, go here: ((( http//www. deviantart. com /view /8592281/))) and view it. Make sure you take the spaces out of the link or it won't work. Other pics that will be referenced to in this fic are pictures by the artist Rosierr. (((http/ rosierr. deviantart. com/))). I will also reference piccies that I do not have credits for. If you reconize a picture description, please review so I can find out and adjust accordingly. I broke from the tradition of having Sasuke in these crack fics to have Kimimaro instead. Because Kimimaro is cool and doesn't get enough attention

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. The show is not mine...if I did own it...well...there'd be alot of changes. LOL

Kabuto Yakushi had never felt worse in his whole life-he didn't know it was possible to feel so bad. He'd been awake for over an hour, but made no attempt to get out of bed. No, he had no desire to get out of bed, he was sure, by reasoning he did not comprehend, that if he got out of bed, the world would implode in on itself, and then Orochimaru would never realize his dream of getting Sasuke's body. For the sake of Orochimaru's dream, he had to stay in bed. The gray-haired teenager flipped over onto his back and gazed dully at the ceiling-it was a blurry mess of shapes due to the fact that he didn't have his glasses on. The door to his room suddenly opened and the light flicked on. Kabuto cursed and rose his hand to his face as white-hot pain flashed through his eyes. His head throbbed as though fifty midgets were smashing into his temple with metal hammers.

"Orochimaru told me to tell you to get up and come out". Kimimaro's voice cut through the air, making Kabuto's head hurt more. Damn Kimimaro.

Kabuto uncovered his eyes and forced a plesent smile at Kimimaro, even though he wished nothing more than to tackle the younger teen to the ground, rip out his voice box, and stomp apon it. "I'm coming".

Kimimaro shut the door behind him and Kabuto forced himself to sit up, ignoring the urge to pass out. He quickly pulled on some clothes, got his hair pulled back, and put his glasses on. He practically staggered out of his room and into the room he knew Orochimaru would be in.

"Yes, Orochimaru-Sama", he asked.

No sooner had the words come out of his mouth then he doubled over, coughing up what felt to be pieces of his lung. Orochimaru rose his eyebrow at his henchman and shook his head.

"You're coughing up white shit". Orochimaru drew his arm across his nose with the delicateness and grace of a woman. "Go-go back to bed and stay there before you spread your disease to everyone else".

Kabuto hung his head, cursing himself for his weakness. "Yes, Orochimaru-Sama", he whispered.

He walked back to his room and turned on the radio, sighing as he flopped back onto his bed. He coughed again, just as hard as earlier, and curled up into a ball on his bed. Who had hired the tiny people to romp through his insides with swords and what felt like lasers? Now the tiny people were lighting torches just below the surface of his skin and freezing him at the same time. This wasn't fair. He punched his pillow angrilly, hitting it so hard the pillow exploded and feathers went everywhere. The boy blinked as feathers landed on him. He decided to go on the computer and analyze some data so the day wasn't a total loss. He pulled himself off the bed, swayed, and landed on the floor. Within seconds, he was asleep.

He woke up a little while later, his head still throbbing. "Damn it", he cursed to himself, pushing himself onto his arms. His pale hands trembled before him as he struggled to right himself. After a few minutes, he did manage to get himeself up off the ground. He grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom-if he was sick, it was important that he keep himself clean to avoid spreading whatever he had to the others. Orochimaru would probably kill him if he caught what ever it was that Kabuto had. "Doctors make the worst patients", the medic-nin thought to himself.

Eventually he emerged, wearing a loose robe instead of his usual outfit, his wet hair hanging unbound around his shoulders. He went back in his room, where he stripped the coverings off his futon and replaced them with clean ones. He also sprayed the room a few times with air sanitizer for good measure. Probably no one of importance would come in his room as long as he was sick, but why chance it? He then went to his computer and sat down infront of it. He wasn't in the mood to work, though, so he decided just to look around and see what was going on. he mussed to himself. "Sounds threatening". He clicked the link to the website and starting browsing through. "Hm?" a piece of art that looked suspiciously like himself caught his eye.

He clicked on it-Indeed, he was in it. His hair was hanging down and he was telling Naruto that they were about to die together...and then Orochimaru appeared, telling him to stop. The Orochimaru in the drawing was touching the face of the drawing of himself and telling him how cute he looked. Kabuto was lucky he had a fever to hide the redness on his face. How ackward.

He continued looking through the gallery. The next picture he came across was a picture of him with Kimimaro. They were dressed in Akatsuki robes and sneaking up on sleeping Orochimaru. The Orochimaru in the picture freaked out as he reconized his henchmen dressed in enemy robes. The real Kabuto laughed. He and Kimimaro would have to try that for real sometime.

The humor continued. There was a picture of Orochimaru dressed as some sort of fictional character who wore a purple suit and top hat, holding out a lollipop to a stary-eyed Sasuke. Behind Orochimaru, he and Kimimaro stood beside a cardboard box. He was making some sort of weird face at Sasuke, while Kimimaro looked completely and totally confused. They were dressed as leprechans with "ow" stitched to their t-shirts. Kabuto knew he was wrong for enjoying this stuff, but he found it so amusing. He blamed his fever for his sudden lapse in judgement.

Kabuto laughed out loud when he came across an image of himself and Kimimaro presenting Orochimaru with a cake. Supposedly Sasuke was inside the cake. In the image, he and Kimimaro put the cake down infront of Orochimaru, and cheered. Orochimaru then unhinged his jaw and swallowed the cake-and Sasuke-whole. The Kabuto and Kimimaro in the picture held onto each other for dear life as the Orochimaru in the piece of art proclaimed the cake tasted like Sasuke. Kabuto only could wish for something like this to really happen. People's minds were truely scary and extrodanary things.

It was then that Kabuto got up from his chair and went to fetch Kimimaro. Since the younger boy had been in every piece of art he'd looked at except the first one, it was only fair he got to share in his amusement. So long as Orochimaru didn't know what they were doing, everything would be alright.

"Kabuto-Sensei", Kimimaro said as the older boy walked into his room. "Are you feeling better? Orochimaru-Sama told you to stay in bed". Kimimaro was just minding his own business, reading a book.

"Never mind that now. Come on, I want to show you something". Kabuto's eyes glowed.

"O...K...". Kimimaro did not argue with Kabuto. He was Orochimaru's favorite, and therefore, above him where it mattered. He just wondered what Kabuto had done to earn such favortism in their master's eyes. Then again, maybe he didn't want to know...

"Look at this", Kabuto said almost cheerfully as he showed Kimimaro the image of Orochimaru in the purple top-hat.

"Is that supposed to be us?", Kimimaro asked, staring at the two pale-haired figures infront of a cardboard box labeled "Orochi Wonka's Body-Candy Shop".

"Yup!"

"What are you doing?"

"I have NO idea, and that's what makes it so funny".

Kimimaro shook his head, but decided to humor Kabuto. He figured the older boy must really be suffering from fever to find such childish humor amusing.

Kabuto continued to show Kimimaro the pictures, laughing. Kimimaro wondered how high a person's temperature must get to behave the way Kabuto was behaving. He figured it must be pretty high.

"Ohhh...", Kabuto said after he finished a coughing fit. "Orochimaru's Dance of Doom. That sounds fascinating".

"Don't click it, Kabuto-Sensei! Orochimaru-Sama will get mad if it's anything horrendous!". Kimimaro figured Orochimaru would get mad if he'd seen any of the images they'd been looking at, though he had to admit, to himself, of course, the image of Orochimaru swallowing Sasuke whole in a cake was pretty funny.

"Aw, don't ruin the fun". Kabuto clicked on the description.

**_"Oh, my love, I know you are my candy man..."_** Music blasted from the speakers as the image came into focus. The little animated Orochimaru danced up and down, his tounge hanging out of his mouth, a candy cane in each hand.

Kimimaro's green eyes shot open, a horrified look crossing his face. "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

"I'm trying!", Kabuto's own dark gray eyes were wide with panic. "It won't turn off!"

"Lower the volume at least!"

Too late. The commotion had sent Orochimaru flying into Kabuto's room to see what a person who was supposed to be in bed could possibly be doing to make so much noise.

"What...Is...That?", he hissed as his eyes fell on the little animation on the screen.

"Orochimaru-Sama!", the two boys gasped. They'd seen Orochimaru angry before, but usually the anger wasn't directed at them.

"Is that supposed to be me?". Orochimaru's snake-like golden eyes narrowed.

"Well, you see...", Kabuto started, his mind reeling for an answer that would keep him and Kimimaro alive.

The computer exploded then, bits of glass and plastic flying everywhere. Kimimaro sheilded his face. Kabuto just stared.

Orochimaru smiled. "Kimimaro. Leave now. I must teach Kabuto a lesson".

Kabuto shivered. His bangs were starting to feel wet again from sweat. He was sure whatever lesson Orochimaru had in mind would make him feel worse than any illness could ever make him feel.

Kimimaro nodded and scrambled from the room. Orochimaru followed him and shut the door and locked it. Kabuto trembled where he stood.

"Well...Time for your lesson", he smirked deviously at the teenager. Kabuto felt himself relax a little...that was, until he found himself pinned under Orochimaru on his futon.

"If you get sick, I don't want to hear anything", Kabuto told him firmly.

"You couldn't pass your disease onto me if you tried", Orochimaru replied as the lights went out...

Kabuto rubbed his eyes the next morning. Oh, he felt great! Weird music caught his attention.

_**...your word is my command...oh my love, I know you are my candy man...**_

His face paled. The computer had been broken. Where was the sound coming from...

He glanced at Orochimaru and slipped out of bed. He pulled his robe on and opened the door to the room. A radio was outside, blasting the weird song. A note was attached to the radio.

_Hope you enjoyed your night. Love, Kimimaro_

Well...who knew Kimimaro was so devious? A cough alerted him. He sighed and ran his fingers through his tangled hair as he crept back over to the bed. Orochimaru had lost any scrap of color he might have ever possessed.

"I told you I'd get you sick, didn't I?", Kabuto asked, humored.

"Don't you reprimand me. I'll kill you..."

"I wasn't going to...", Kabuto replied, lowing his gaze to hide his smile.

He went then to make some tea for Orochimaru and help him get over his cold. As he closed the door behind him, he heard the older man cursing violently. Kabuto rubbed his eyes. This was going to be a long day...

THE END

A/N: Ok. I hope this didn't totally suck...


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